Our society continues to perpetuate a number of myths about pain and grief. These myths may seem harmless, but we have found that they can quickly become hurdles to healing. People are not in pain due to their loss, but that their pain is made worse by the myths and misconceptions they have about grief. They are concerned that there is something wrong with them and the way they are grieving. These myths appear to be firmly stuck in our collective psyches, even with evidence to the contrary. This lack of understanding is not surprising, given that most of us try to avoid thinking about anything related to death. Knowing that something is not strange or unusual is a great relief and helps people to cope better with what they are experiencing.
Learning more about the myths about grief and focusing on the facts can help someone before and during the grieving process. Understanding grief and the grieving process can be a real comfort to those impacted by the condition.
Perhaps you’ve heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What many people don’t know is that those stages were never meant to be applied to the grieving process, but to the person facing death. This hasn’t stopped people from using and comparing their own grief to these stages. When their grief doesn’t follow the pattern, many begin to question themselves and feel bad about something that is out of their control. Grief doesn’t follow the rules. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Just because women may be more emotionally demonstrative with their grief does not mean that they grieve more. Part of the myth has been that to deal with grief, one needs to fully express their emotions. Not doing so would mean that the grief would resurface at some later time since it was not fully processed. What we know is that people can also adapt to grief successfully through cognitive skills such as problem-solving and taking action.
Most people tend to use the words grief and mourning interchangeably. However, there is an important distinction between them. We have learned that people move toward healing not by just grieving, but through mourning. Simply stated, grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience when someone we love dies. Mourning, on the other hand, is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves.
In reality, many people grieve, but they do not mourn. Instead of being encouraged to express their grief outwardly, they are often greeted with messages such as "carry on," "keep your chin up," and "keep busy." So, they end up grieving within themselves in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the presence of loving companions.
Like a physical trauma, emotional trauma won’t go away by being ignored. If a runner broke a bone, we would expect the runner to face the situation by getting help to treat the injury and start the healing process. We wouldn’t expect the runner to ignore the pain and wait for it to go away. Grief avoidance is just as counter-productive. The sudden pain of losing someone can stir up many emotions in addition to the sadness, including anger and guilt. If someone is plagued by such emotions, it is important not to bottle them up.
Trying to ignore grief has led some to find other ways to cope. Some have turned to the use of substances to numb their pain when they can no longer ignore it. This is a dangerous alternative that creates more problems and solves none. It’s a certainty that pain cannot be avoided, but there are ways to cope. Some have found that giving themselves permission to grieve is the first step and that it requires time and patience. While alone time is often necessary, isolation is not. Seeking out friends and family that are supportive is important.
Not true. There is tremendous variation in styles of grieving, including cultural variations related to grief and traditions, and variations in how long and how intensely people grieve. Some people can work through grief relatively easily, while others may struggle for years.
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