Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone or something significant to you. You may experience a range of feelings, such as sadness or loneliness. And you might be experiencing it for a variety of reasons. Perhaps a loved one passed away, a relationship ended, or you lost your job. Other life changes, such as chronic sickness or relocating, can also cause sadness.
A theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross suggests that we go through five distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Denial
In the first stage of this theory, denial helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. Our reality has shifted completely in this moment of loss. It can take our minds some time to adjust to this new reality. We are reflecting on the experiences we have shared with the person we lost, and we might find ourselves wondering how to move forward in life without this person or aspect of life. This is a lot of information to explore and a lot of painful imagery to process. Denial attempts to slow this process down and take us through it one step at a time, rather than risk the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.
Denial is not only an attempt to pretend that the loss does not exist. We are also trying to absorb and understand what is happening.
Anger
It is common to experience anger after the loss of a loved one. We are trying to adjust to a new reality, and we are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger may feel like it allows us an emotional outlet. Keep in mind that anger does not require us to be very vulnerable. However, it tends to be more socially acceptable than admitting we are scared. Anger allows us to express emotion with less fear of judgment or rejection. Unfortunately, anger tends to be the first thing we feel when we start to release emotions related to loss. This can leave you feeling isolated in your experience and perceived as unapproachable by others in moments when we could benefit from comfort, connection, and reassurance.
Bargaining
When coping with loss, it is normal to feel so desperate that you are willing to do almost anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. Losing a loved one can cause us to consider any way we can avoid the current pain or the pain we are anticipating from loss. There are many ways we may try to bargain. Bargaining can come in a variety of promises including:
''God, if you can heal this person, I will turn my life around''
''I'll never get angry again if you can stop him/her from dying or leaving me''
When bargaining starts to take place, we are often directing our requests to a higher power, or something bigger than we are that may be able to influence a different outcome. Bargaining gives us a perceived sense of control over something that feels so out of control. While bargaining we also tend to focus on our personal faults or regrets. We might look back at our interactions with the person and recall times when we may have said things we did not mean and wish we could go back and behave differently.
Depression
There comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. We start to feel the loss of our loved ones more abundantly. As our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear, and the loss feels more present and unavoidable. In those moments, we tend to pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through.
Although this is a very natural stage of grief, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating.
Acceptance
When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of loss. However, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation, and we are not struggling to make something different. Sadness and regret can still be present in this phase, but the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger are less likely to be present.
As we consider the five stages of grief, it is important to note that people grieve differently and you may or may not go through each of these stages, or experience each of them in order. The lines of these stages are often blurred we may move from one stage to the other and possibly back again before fully moving into a new stage.
In addition, no specific time period is suggested for any of these stages. Someone may experience the stages fairly quickly, such as in a matter of weeks, whereas another person may take months or even years to move through to a place of acceptance. Whatever time it takes for you to move through these stages is perfectly normal.
Your pain is unique to you, and the emotional processing can feel different to each person. It is acceptable for you to take the time you need and remove any expectations of how you should perform as you process your grief.
In conclusion, Everyone experiences grief differently. But you can recover if you recognize and understand your feelings, take care of yourself, and seek professional help.
